M.I.A.

Yeah, I have been M.I.A. lately....life has definitely smacked me around a bit, but really, do you care? I didn't think so.

I am going to try to get back here and bitch and moan more about things I see going on in the world. As some of you do actually know me, I do have pretty strong opinions about a lot of things...but I am always looking to learn and understand, so oppositional opinions are very much welcomed. I also rejoined MySpace with the thought of starting another discussion group - man I miss that. I think the lack of debate and discussion with others has definitely added to my "smack-down" fest of my life and ambition. Who knows.

Be back later, taters.

If people I actually knew, in real life, could read my thoughts, or better yet, knew all that went on in my head, I wonder if they would still associate with me? My head can be a swirling place of chaos and emotion. Maybe everyone's head is.....I'm not sure. I wonder how many people out there actually think about the things I do. One thing that has always fascinated me (but I don't usually talk about in general company) is my intrigue for the criminal mind. I have been interested in crime, criminal justice and the psychology behind it since my early teens. I remember reading my first true crime novel and becoming instantly hooked. Reality, to me, makes for a much more interesting story than most fiction. I do, however, like Stephen King, John Saul and Dean Koontz - probably because they are as twisted as I am. After indulging in that first true crime novel, I remember going to the book store at every chance I got and just buying them, one by one, off the shelves. Back then my divorced parents were basically in competition over who could give me the most allowance; I guess in their guilty minds whoever did was the "better parent". Go figure. Anyway, with an unnecessarily full pocket of cash, I would clean off the shelves and run home to dive into the true stories. I didn't tell many of my friends of this interest; I thought they would think I was a little tainted. So, after hanging out with them I would return home and engage in my passion. My grandmother, whom I lived with, wasn't too pleased with my choice of reading material. She would take her old school European self and bless my room with fresh holy water from Saint John of God Catholic Church, saying 5 Hail Mary's and 7 Our Father's, in the attempt to cast the evil out that has obviously engulfed me. Her hype probably made it all the more desirable.

I remember in the 6th grade when I discovered Stephen King. I was at my Uncle Jeff's house and he always had reading material in each of his bathrooms. I picked one up during a visit to the potty and it instantly took me. Though I am not positive of which title it was but I know it was a Stephen King novel. He asked me if I wanted to read one of his books and I promptly said 'yes'. He then gave me his copy of "Pet Cemetery" ... and I loved it. I proceeded to continue reading his novels and didn't think much of what anyone else would think. I mean, my uncle gave it to me, King was obviously a popular writer judging by the displays in the book stores and the amount of his selections they carried. Back in the mid-80s he was just as popular, if not more so, than he is now. So image my amazement when a letter arrives at my home from my Junior High School in regards to my books.

My 6th grade reading teacher took it upon herself to deem my reading material 'inappropriate for an 11 year old child' and advised my father that due to this, the book reports on the Stephen King novels I read were not valid and I was now to take a remedial reading class. Huh? So, the fact that an 11 year old kid is reading, what is considered, adult aged novels, understanding them, and actually reading above and beyond what is required, is point to be put in the retard reading room? My father was as livid as I was (actually, my father would get livid at anyone that said I did something wrong, bad, etc. Ego thing, I swear) and he went to the school to raise hell. My father and the school administrators made a deal - I had to go to the school library, choose and read 3 books from there, then sit and give 3 oral reports to this Nazi reading teacher by the end of the week. I bet that bloated toad didn't think I could.

I trotted down to the school library with my usually cocky swagger and headed right over to the section I knew I was going to make my selections from. Ah yes, they were there. A whole series from a well known, critically acclaimed, award winning author. I chose three of his works, brought them home, and read all three in one night. I told the whore the next day that I was ready to give my reports. She looked at me with her over-exaggerated expression and verified with me that I had chose three separate books, from our school library, and completely read them from front to back.

"Yup," I said.

"Ok!" she said and pulled a chair near her desk and told me to have a seat. I did just that and proceeded to take out my books, ready to give my report. Oddly, though, her perky expression seemed to sour upon sight of my school age approved selections from our very own Junior High School Library. I mean, it wasn't anything like those big, adult themed, Stephen King novels I was trying to pass off as "book report appropriate".

I started my oral review, and with great detail laid out the characters, plot, climax and conclusion of Dr Suess's "One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish," "Green Eggs and Ham," and "The Cat in the Hat Comes Back."

Bitch.

Anyway, back to what I was originally talking about. Crime, criminals, the criminal mind and my fascination with it. I mean, I think about what it takes to make a person cross that line of legalities, morality, sanity, however you want to label it, and take the life of another. Actually, I don't think it takes much. I believe we all have the capacity to commit homicide, murder, what-have-you; we have animal instincts, desires and thoughts. But, I wonder, how many would actually admit it? Come on, everyone at one point in their life was pissed off enough at someone where they imagine wrapping their pulsing hands around anothers pathetic neck and feeling the breath being squeezed out of their lungs....oh please, stfu, you have to. Maybe not strangling, maybe you are one of the sicker fucks who imagined stabbing some fucktard over and over again until you and everything within spitting distance was dripping with blood. In any event, I believe all humans have that within them...but most don't act on it. I mean, why not? I can give you a solid list of at least a dozen, if not more, people who deserve to be plucked off this Earth. Oddly, though, when I hear of a brutal murder, I usually am right there with the prosecution, yelling, "FRY THE FUCKER!" for taking the life of another. That's my rational, human conditioned mind speaking. But, the dark under belly side of me is thinking, "Eh, maybe the bitch deserved it." Heheee. Is that bad?

Think about this....what if there was one day given, one full 24 hours, where it would be completely legal, moral, ok, acceptable, etc. to go out and take out whoever you wanted? Like one day of complete madness, murder and revenge. Just dispose of anyone who can get to whom you feel needs to be removed from our society, someone who pissed you off and want revenge, or just someone who you know is an evil fuck and does no good for humanity. Anyone you wanted and it was completely ok.

I wonder how many would take that opportunity to take others lives.

I wonder how many would instead stay inside and hide knowing that they are probably a target.